Life Or Something Like It: Random Deep Thoughts Archives

Does it ever stop

By Laura Thill on February 11, 2010 8:46 PM | No Comments

Does your soul ever stop fighting the terrible things that happen in adult life?

Yes, yes, my theme song is "Life sucks, get over it." But sometimes, I have... moments. The ones where you want to curl up in a ball and wake up a child again, and everything is ok.

Well, in my fantasy childhood, everything was ok.

But in reality...

I'll never get back the childhood my parents ruined.

People I love are aging, and will die soon.

My life will ultimately be deemed a failure by everyone except me.

I'll never get to a point where things "just work."

We do everything "right" and keep losing.

I gave up my best friends to move to a different state.

Sometimes I just want it all to stop. Or someone to help me through it all. But that's not how it works. So I press on.

Occasionally, Dan brings home flowers. That helps a lot.

When do you give up

By Laura Thill on December 18, 2009 7:06 AM | 1 Comment

"Never, never, never give up." --Winston Churchill

If you came through the front door in high school, that quote was the first thing you saw every morning. I really believe it's a good idea, in the broad sense. But sometimes, you have to give up on one thing, to pursue another. At least that's what I think life is telling me.

No, juries didn't go well. And now I have to make a decision.

I have been branded "that girl who just doesn't sing like we think she should." Even if I moved mountains with my bare hands in front of witnesses, it wouldn't make a difference. I love to sing and study the human voice. I think I'm better at it than anything else musically. Yes, I'm a good at theory, especially form and analysis, but that alone won't get me a theory&composition degree.

1. Do I want to keep doing this? Music yes. Voice yes, but I don't think I will ever succeed at it. No one sees past my age, and that is nothing but a hindrance.

2. What else would be an ok substitute? Teaching theory, but that requires changing schools.

3. Where can I go? Don't know - WashU is too expensive, other options have well over an hour commute.

I can't go back and I can't go forward. Are up and down options?

And then life went BOOM

By Laura Thill on September 2, 2009 3:54 PM | 1 Comment

Right, so in less than 2 weeks my life has turned upside down, spun in circles, crashed and burned.

The ugly:

1. I am no longer motivated to be a vocal performance major. (apologies to those of you who had to listen to the sob story) There is a specific professor that I don't think I can work with. And after 230+ credit hours at 4 universities....that's a huge statement. Never thought I would see the day someone could piss me off this much - in a 10 minute conversation.

2. I can't change schools. Dan and I talked at length - it's just not feasible regardless of scholarship $$$ or location. (short of completely free ride at Wash U or Webster. ROFLMAO. Ok, back to reality.)

3. We aren't moving out of STL. Ever. That was the deal when we built the house, and this event does not qualify as deal breaking.

The bad:

1. I can take a bunch of classes that interest me, but there is no "degree track" for said classes. How am I supposed to graduate?

2. To keep full-time status I'm going to have to drop classes I really wanted to take at SCC. Not that the profs aren't as good, I wanted to stay with my SCC friends for a little while longer.

The good:

1. All of the other faculty, with whom I have had contact, have been very nice or at least extremely professional. So I don't mind staying here, as long as I'm not a voice major.

So what's the problem?

I don't like my options. And really, after all the stuff I've done in my life because it "worked", regardless of my feelings - I've put my time in doing crap I hate. I'd like to do something that makes ME happy for once. And yes, I realize the irony in that statement.

So fine, I stay. Who knows how I'll actually get my damn piece of paper.

Loneliness and Pessimism

By Laura Thill on August 9, 2009 1:01 PM | No Comments

A few weeks ago while pulling all the flyers and crap somehow attached to our front door, I noticed that one of the flyers had a local address, about 4 houses down. It was an announcement of the "I live on a street named Jacob's something" block party. I didn't know people held these anymore. I remember going to neighborhood block parties as a child, but they always seemed more fun for the adults. This one doesn't seem much different. Summed up: "We are renting a big-ass grill and blow-up stuff for the kids. Bring your own everything. Donations appreciated." No, I'm not going to rant about asking for donations. I'm going to rant about why we're not attending.

At first I thought this would be a great chance to meet those who live around us. We know the names of one family, only because we share a property line and they have a fence. I came up with some great scenarios about meeting people we actually liked, expanding the circle of friends is a good thing. Then I realized how conversations would unfold.

"Hi, we're Dan and Laura."

"Hi! We're Bob and Jane. Bob works at Initech and I sell Avon. Our kids are Suzy and Jake. Aren't you two due for some kids soon?"

Um... let's try another one.

"Hi, we're Dan and Laura."

"Hi! We're Bob and Jane. We live down Jacob's Toe. Aren't you in the big brown house with the driveway everyone thinks is a street? We know a great landscaper you could use."

Nope. Let try again.

"Hi, we're Dan and Laura."

"Hi! We're Bob and Jane. Bob is a VP at Initech and I teach at Local Elementary. We just got back from our cruise to the Bahamas, it was sooooo hot."

"Dan works for Initrode and I'm currently in school for a second degree."

"Well, must be nice to have it so easy!"

Or even worse:

"Bob is out of work. Do you want to buy some Avon? You're an SAH, right?"

Sigh. Do I not have more friends because I'm too pessimistic to try, or because our lives are atypical for suburbia?

Nameless and Faceless

By Laura Thill on July 9, 2009 6:26 AM | No Comments

"HI MOM!!!!" Everybody wants to be on the news. Why else would mothers clip and laminate even the smallest mention of a child in the local newspaper. Yet, the most common complaint about "the news" is it's overwhelming negativity. If you think about it, yes, there are at approximately 10 stories about death, scandal, and outright crime for every cat rescued from a tree.

A friend's family was critically injured yesterday. Within hours the accident was "news." As a another friend responded, "Everything I started typing sounded trite..."

Life is good

By Laura Thill on June 22, 2009 9:55 AM | No Comments

I'm tired today. Gave myself a royal hangover on Saturday, dehydrated myself on Sunday, and didn't sleep much last night.

But life is good.

Sure, I'm jealous of all the facebook "friends" who are traveling overseas, going to the lake every weekend, buying new iPhones, and building decks. Yes, I would love to go on a cruise, or even just a trip to the beach for a full week. It would be great to eat out more than once every few months, and I'd love to have season tickets to the opera/symphony.

On the other hand, we do have enough money to buy some "wants" and not only "needs."

Dan wanted a new lawnmower. Our 6 year-old mower still works, it's a simple machine. However, given the U-shape of our yard, I can't blame him for wanting a self-propelled mower. We found a nice reconditioned model.

I wanted a new grill, to cook outdoors on something with less "character" than our 4-year-old grill. Did we really need a stainless interior/exterior and a rotisserie? No, but they are nice and the model was marked down for clearance.

Could we have used this money to go on a vacation? A small one. Wouldn't it have been better spent paying off debts? The total for both pieces is a little less than 1 months payment. It might have been used for my foot surgery, but I can hobble along until next year.

As long as we can still pay bills and afford a few wants, then life is great.

So what's the benefit?

By Laura Thill on June 12, 2009 8:36 AM | No Comments

Why would anyone want to go through all this trouble? Being (and feeling) in control of your own destiny is certainly a good reason. So is making a contribution to the world (that you can feel good about).

But there are so many more little everyday things that combine to be just as important.

Waking up in the morning and being excited about your work. It's been a long time since going to work didn't make me feel physically ill.

Not being depressed. I'm not off all the meds yet, but I'm doing much better. The only fight now is displacement issues, large changes unsettle me. But it's a much easier problem to fight.

Being able to put up with annoying people. If you don't love what you do, any annoyance is a thousand times worse. When you love what you do, nothing else seems to matter.

Expanding your world. Finding out that the beaten path isn't what you think, that it may not be right for you. Learning to see outside the box, and consider other options. Re-evaluating priorities. These will all change the way you see the world.

So what's the cost? Part II

By Laura Thill on June 10, 2009 9:43 AM | No Comments

So you've decided that you need a new life/career. You've figured out what you want to do. You have a way to stay fed and sheltered for the next 3-4 years. Are you ready for the hard part?

Remember what it was like to be college freshman? Yes, you have to do that all over again. So what if you have a master's, published papers with R&D credit. You're wiping all that away. Know that some professors will take offense that you are both a peer (albeit a different field) and a student. Know that some will balk at teaching a person older than themselves. Remember, your classmates will not be your friends (at my age, you're approaching "old enough to be my mom.")

What you need is called humility, with a good dose of tact. I suggest reading Miss Manners extensively.

Learn to put others at ease. Learn to show humility, to be ok with not knowing. Put down the "I'm superior" act you had to use at work. Learn to listen to all the drama of college life, without judging or lecturing.

Eventually, you will find your place. You will discuss life with your teachers, because you understand where they are, and they will love that you actually follow instructions. Eventually you will adjust to working 7 days a week either on a job, your house or homework. I'm almost flexible enough to not lose sleep when my schedule switches again.

After a while it might even have an upside... you'll remember what it was like to have the rest of your life a blank slate. Anything is possible. There are some limitations now: marriage, home ownership, age. But you're free, making the sacrifices you choose to make. And that is worth the cost.

What's the cost? Part I

By Laura Thill on June 8, 2009 7:04 AM | No Comments

So you've decided that you need a new life/career. You've figured out what you want to do. Now what?

Well, if you provide your own income and can't/don't want to move back in with the parental units, choices are limited. My best efforts could only yield a lateral move into something less annoying, but still "technical." A drastic move from engineering to music requires extensive schooling.

College isn't free the second time around. Everyone likes to help high school graduates make the biggest mistakes of their lives, no one likes to help correct those same mistakes. The worst part, your 18 year old classmates will be able to get part-time jobs while in school. Good luck, even if you leave off the college degree(s) and work experience. And if you do find a job it will be very hard work, for very little pay.

Being a music major makes it difficult to work while in school. Night classes don't exist, almost all courses have one section, offered once a year. Sure I could take 1 or 2 classes a semester, and finish 10 years later. No thanks, I've already wasted enough of my life.

So, we live on one income. We don't budget my sporadic income. I don't think we'll lose the house, we've cut all vacations, non-essential family visits, dinners out, home improvements, and extra retirement savings. Why don't we move? When you've built a home you never plan to leave, you will understand.

But that's just the financial cost. Do you remember what it was like to be 18?

Answer the question

By Laura Thill on June 2, 2009 6:58 AM | No Comments

I wrote about this at length some time ago, but all of that can be condensed to:

"What would you do if you could redo your life?"

Go back to that day, the one when you picked the major that put a degree on your wall, or the day you decided not to go to college, or the day you decided to do something "practical" just to pay bills (and then never got out of the rut). If you could do something different on that day, what would it be?

The answer given at 18 will be much different than your answer at 25 and even more so at 30. A friend put it: "Well, I would have skipped college and just toured with my band. We might actually be something now if we had tried. But then, I wouldn't be here, and I'm happy with my life." (working a steady job, married and about to own a home.)

No sense in fixing what isn't broken, if you're happy where you ended up, stay with it. But what if you're not happy. What if you've tried, for at least 5 years, to make something work and it just doesn't. When you spend 40+ hours a week thinking that you're wasting time on something that isn't important no matter how big your salary.

At 18 I would have said "I'm going to Oberlin and getting a piano performance degree."

At 25, "Can't do engineering full time, can't do piano full time. I'm going into music engineering or music business."

At 30, "Going back to academia, and staying there. Yes, I still want to be a rock star, but that's not going to happen. Let's start with vocal performance. Maybe I'll just teach theory or history or something..."

Next, how do you make it happen?

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Recently in Random Deep Thoughts Category

Does it ever stop

When do you give up

And then life went BOOM

Loneliness and Pessimism

Nameless and Faceless

Life is good

So what's the benefit?

So what's the cost? Part II

What's the cost? Part I

Answer the question

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