Life Or Something Like It: All About Me Archives

What to write about?

By Laura Thill on September 23, 2009 4:56 PM | No Comments

I hate correspondence. I love my friends, I love hearing about what you do and where you are now. But I hate writing letters, even e-mail letters. Which explains the mass e-mail, semi-customized letter to the members of my family who refuse to stop talking to me. It went something like this:

"Finished my first year of music school. Dan's company is trying to see how much salary/benefits abuse he'll take before leaving. Job over the summer didn't give me half the hours expected. Ability to stay at this school trashed in the first week."

Honestly, that's about the last 6 months or so. No, there is nothing good right now. We're still making ends, and I've lost a few pounds. Or maybe it's just water weight from crying so much.

Did everyone have That Guy/Girl, probably a high school SO? The one you really loved, who broke up with you to date someone else? Remember what it felt like to walk into class everyday and see them holding hands? Remember how you would do anything to not run into them? Yeah, that's every day when I go to class. Everyone sits around in little cliques; vocal jazz, opera workshop, string quartets, jazz combos, and I sit there alone. And have to see the professor who said those awful things, and know she controls my grades.

As someone put it : "Well, yeah it sucks but you're always depressed and no one else sees it that way."

Yup girl, you're right. No one else can see it my way, and I wouldn't really expect anyone to want to talk to the person so "bad" I'd drag everyone else down....

Oh wait, got sidetracked. Hm... stuff to write about. Well, it was an ok week. A random cellist gave me cheese fries for lunch one day. And I got to walk on the AB stage at the Touhill. And my french teacher is going to let me reschedule a test. There, see, I can be positive. Kinda.

And then life went BOOM

By Laura Thill on September 2, 2009 3:54 PM | 1 Comment

Right, so in less than 2 weeks my life has turned upside down, spun in circles, crashed and burned.

The ugly:

1. I am no longer motivated to be a vocal performance major. (apologies to those of you who had to listen to the sob story) There is a specific professor that I don't think I can work with. And after 230+ credit hours at 4 universities....that's a huge statement. Never thought I would see the day someone could piss me off this much - in a 10 minute conversation.

2. I can't change schools. Dan and I talked at length - it's just not feasible regardless of scholarship $$$ or location. (short of completely free ride at Wash U or Webster. ROFLMAO. Ok, back to reality.)

3. We aren't moving out of STL. Ever. That was the deal when we built the house, and this event does not qualify as deal breaking.

The bad:

1. I can take a bunch of classes that interest me, but there is no "degree track" for said classes. How am I supposed to graduate?

2. To keep full-time status I'm going to have to drop classes I really wanted to take at SCC. Not that the profs aren't as good, I wanted to stay with my SCC friends for a little while longer.

The good:

1. All of the other faculty, with whom I have had contact, have been very nice or at least extremely professional. So I don't mind staying here, as long as I'm not a voice major.

So what's the problem?

I don't like my options. And really, after all the stuff I've done in my life because it "worked", regardless of my feelings - I've put my time in doing crap I hate. I'd like to do something that makes ME happy for once. And yes, I realize the irony in that statement.

So fine, I stay. Who knows how I'll actually get my damn piece of paper.

Those who do not remember history

By Laura Thill on July 22, 2009 6:53 AM | No Comments

tend to get nasty surprises. --- Me

A little history first (if you've heard this one, skip down a bit)

In 1995, I went to the University of MIssouri-Rolla and declared myself a Chemical Engineering major. I though it would be safe and easy. My father has a PhD in Chemistry and worked in the oil industry. I was very comfortable with the idea of working in a chemical plant. During the part of Freshman Engineering when every department on campus tries to educate the fresh meat about what they've gotten themselves into, my mind changed a little. Maybe I'd be a process engineer instead, seemed even slower-paced than ChemE.

Then came the day I stopped taking notes in ChemE 027, and realized, "It's not that this is too difficult, I just don't care." Immediately after class, I returned to my dorm room and printed off a list of every major on campus. Remembering all the department presentations from Freshman Engineering, I began crossing off all the majors that did not appeal to me.

After the first pass there was one entry left, Electrical Engineering.

I switched majors the next day. At first my speciality was Controls, specifically factory automation. Still a "safe" field, doesn't change rapidly like computing (shiver). Then on co-op, I worked in a factory and realized that my best career choice would involve traveling 8-10 months out of the year. So my specialty reverted to "undecided", until I took DSP. Ah, here was something I liked! It's all abstract and applied math, but you can play around in the real world too! Sure, it's a lot like computer science sometimes, but those people had something new to learn every six months. I would never have to do that.

And then, at my first job, my manager came to me, within a few weeks of my start date and says, "The DSP project was given to another group. I need someone to learn C." And five years later my job title is "Software Engineer."

The moral: So far, my score on the "life plans actually turning out the way you planned" is a big goose egg.

In about four weeks classes start at UMSL. I have declared my major as Vocal Performance, though I plan to do my graduate work in music history. See, teaching history at a university is safe. Our understanding of history doesn't change frequently, and really, we could all stand to learn a bit from the past. There are many reasons why I shouldn't pursue performance, it's a scary field.

Anyone else notice a pattern?

10 years later

By Laura Thill on July 15, 2009 1:32 PM | No Comments

Note: I really debated publishing this, but the blog is my reflections about life, and well, this is a big part of my life. I appreciate sympathy, but this isn't meant to solicit.

***************************************

I don't have an exact date, but I know sometime between March and June of this year, the anniversary passed. At the time I couldn't think straight enough to record the date. Maybe it's best that way. I can never forget the year.

It seems so far away, and yet so close. The sting has faded with time, but I can still see the doctor's face as she outlined the rest of my life:

"This is a chronic disease. If you take care of yourself, you will live a mostly normal life."

The medications that keep me pain free, also takes a little bit of my life expectancy each year. I would never have chosen this path, but it's unavoidably marked out in my genetic code. I still believe that life shouldn't be artificially extended. Yet every morning I have to look at the pills and think about what they do, and what will happen if I stop.

So, happy anniversary. I've made it through 10 years of chronic illness. Only 40 more to go.

Musings

By Laura Thill on June 29, 2009 7:11 AM | No Comments

Having a slow summer is nice. No, the basement isn't clean yet, but I've played Beyond Good and Evil three times, and had a lot of time to think about my upcoming career.

I'm fairly sure about "what I want to be when I grow up", I want to teach at the college level. I don't know if I'll have enough experience to do so, but it's my goal. Academia is where I feel comfortable, and where I think I would have the best opportunities to pursue what I love most.

Research and development.

No, not test tubes, bread boards, or equations. Think books, history, and music.

While forcing myself to finish several costumes I began thinking about why I have so many unfinished projects. When I decide to research a new period, or even a new costume, it can consume weeks. Not only researching the particulars of a outfit (underpinnings, trim, fabrics, prints, accessories) but the setting. (culture, social standing, language, important historical events) I aim to be as historically accurate as possible when planning, then make affordable adjustments. And that's where things get stuck. Maybe I'll get half the outfit cut and assembled, maybe the pattern will sit in a box for years. Part of the problem is my lack of tailoring skills, but honestly it comes down to motivation. I absolutely love researching and designing, the rest is just fluff.

I see the same trend in my vocal studies. I love learning new techniques, researching individual pieces, studying theory. But do I love the craft as much? Performance is a lot of hard work. It's something I can do, some people would even say I'm good, but is it a passion? I've performed for the vast majority of my life, and thus a performance major out of habit. I love researching opera's (even if most of the plots are ridiculous) and want to figure out why the art seems to be stuck in the past, and can it be fixed? And why this seems to be true of most performance music. There are many other things I want to research, and then...

It comes down to choice, should I change majors? Should I move to music history or music theory and composition? Is a double major/minor in performance really what I want?

So what's the benefit?

By Laura Thill on June 12, 2009 8:36 AM | No Comments

Why would anyone want to go through all this trouble? Being (and feeling) in control of your own destiny is certainly a good reason. So is making a contribution to the world (that you can feel good about).

But there are so many more little everyday things that combine to be just as important.

Waking up in the morning and being excited about your work. It's been a long time since going to work didn't make me feel physically ill.

Not being depressed. I'm not off all the meds yet, but I'm doing much better. The only fight now is displacement issues, large changes unsettle me. But it's a much easier problem to fight.

Being able to put up with annoying people. If you don't love what you do, any annoyance is a thousand times worse. When you love what you do, nothing else seems to matter.

Expanding your world. Finding out that the beaten path isn't what you think, that it may not be right for you. Learning to see outside the box, and consider other options. Re-evaluating priorities. These will all change the way you see the world.

So what's the cost? Part II

By Laura Thill on June 10, 2009 9:43 AM | No Comments

So you've decided that you need a new life/career. You've figured out what you want to do. You have a way to stay fed and sheltered for the next 3-4 years. Are you ready for the hard part?

Remember what it was like to be college freshman? Yes, you have to do that all over again. So what if you have a master's, published papers with R&D credit. You're wiping all that away. Know that some professors will take offense that you are both a peer (albeit a different field) and a student. Know that some will balk at teaching a person older than themselves. Remember, your classmates will not be your friends (at my age, you're approaching "old enough to be my mom.")

What you need is called humility, with a good dose of tact. I suggest reading Miss Manners extensively.

Learn to put others at ease. Learn to show humility, to be ok with not knowing. Put down the "I'm superior" act you had to use at work. Learn to listen to all the drama of college life, without judging or lecturing.

Eventually, you will find your place. You will discuss life with your teachers, because you understand where they are, and they will love that you actually follow instructions. Eventually you will adjust to working 7 days a week either on a job, your house or homework. I'm almost flexible enough to not lose sleep when my schedule switches again.

After a while it might even have an upside... you'll remember what it was like to have the rest of your life a blank slate. Anything is possible. There are some limitations now: marriage, home ownership, age. But you're free, making the sacrifices you choose to make. And that is worth the cost.

What's the cost? Part I

By Laura Thill on June 8, 2009 7:04 AM | No Comments

So you've decided that you need a new life/career. You've figured out what you want to do. Now what?

Well, if you provide your own income and can't/don't want to move back in with the parental units, choices are limited. My best efforts could only yield a lateral move into something less annoying, but still "technical." A drastic move from engineering to music requires extensive schooling.

College isn't free the second time around. Everyone likes to help high school graduates make the biggest mistakes of their lives, no one likes to help correct those same mistakes. The worst part, your 18 year old classmates will be able to get part-time jobs while in school. Good luck, even if you leave off the college degree(s) and work experience. And if you do find a job it will be very hard work, for very little pay.

Being a music major makes it difficult to work while in school. Night classes don't exist, almost all courses have one section, offered once a year. Sure I could take 1 or 2 classes a semester, and finish 10 years later. No thanks, I've already wasted enough of my life.

So, we live on one income. We don't budget my sporadic income. I don't think we'll lose the house, we've cut all vacations, non-essential family visits, dinners out, home improvements, and extra retirement savings. Why don't we move? When you've built a home you never plan to leave, you will understand.

But that's just the financial cost. Do you remember what it was like to be 18?

Answer the question

By Laura Thill on June 2, 2009 6:58 AM | No Comments

I wrote about this at length some time ago, but all of that can be condensed to:

"What would you do if you could redo your life?"

Go back to that day, the one when you picked the major that put a degree on your wall, or the day you decided not to go to college, or the day you decided to do something "practical" just to pay bills (and then never got out of the rut). If you could do something different on that day, what would it be?

The answer given at 18 will be much different than your answer at 25 and even more so at 30. A friend put it: "Well, I would have skipped college and just toured with my band. We might actually be something now if we had tried. But then, I wouldn't be here, and I'm happy with my life." (working a steady job, married and about to own a home.)

No sense in fixing what isn't broken, if you're happy where you ended up, stay with it. But what if you're not happy. What if you've tried, for at least 5 years, to make something work and it just doesn't. When you spend 40+ hours a week thinking that you're wasting time on something that isn't important no matter how big your salary.

At 18 I would have said "I'm going to Oberlin and getting a piano performance degree."

At 25, "Can't do engineering full time, can't do piano full time. I'm going into music engineering or music business."

At 30, "Going back to academia, and staying there. Yes, I still want to be a rock star, but that's not going to happen. Let's start with vocal performance. Maybe I'll just teach theory or history or something..."

Next, how do you make it happen?

So you want a new life

By Laura Thill on June 1, 2009 9:15 AM | No Comments

18 months ago I decided to change my life. Drastically. Yes, even if you skip the fluff (ok most) of this blog you would know it.

It's been difficult to write about this. Until now I didn't really have a clear picture of where I am going. I still really don't.

So, here we go again. What is it like to completely change your life, from my perspective. I think it's safe to say, you have no idea.

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