Life Or Something Like It

I love researching and designing costumes, but actually making them, that's another story.  *sigh*

Oh well, fate deserves a little tempting.  I am (pinches fingers) thiiiiiiis close to finishing project 1 of 3 set for the summer.  Job hunting was so unproductive I decided that unemployment would at least allow me time to clean the basement and finish outstanding costumes.  Best laid plans and all that.

The root of the problem is motivation and approach.  

1. Cutting is a PIA (dysgraphia sucks).  Hand sewing isn't much better, my fingers start screaming obscenities about "it may not be Rheumatoid Arthritis but it has the same effects!"

2. Type A/OCD, at least in this regard.  If anything it out of place/not in line/not properly mirrored, the project is dropped as "unsalvageable."

3.  I tend to read sewing instructions the same way I read recipes.  Skim for ingredients and basic instructions, then just jump in with substitutes and make the rest up as you go.

For historical patterns, #3 is fatal.  I KNOW this, really I do!  And yet, I still insist in using the most historically accurate patterns I can afford, because dammit, they look better.  And are actually easier to sew if you can read and follow directions. (a skill most of the population lacks at times, even me.)

I finally reached the point of "screw it and sue me, I'm going to finish this mess anyway."

I'm fairly sure about "what I want to be when I grow up", I want to teach at the college level.  I don't know if I'll have enough experience to do so, but it's my goal.  Academia is where I feel comfortable, and where I think I would have the best opportunities to pursue what I love most.

Research and development.

No, not test tubes, bread boards, or equations.  Think books, history, and music.

While forcing myself to finish several costumes I began thinking about why I have so many unfinished projects.  When I decide to research a new period, or even a new costume, it can consume weeks.  Not only researching the particulars of a outfit (underpinnings, trim, fabrics, prints, accessories) but the setting. (culture, social standing, language, important historical events)  I aim to be as historically accurate as possible when planning, then make affordable adjustments.  And that's where things get stuck.  Maybe I'll get half the outfit cut and assembled, maybe the pattern will sit in a box for years.  Part of the problem is my lack of tailoring skills, but honestly it comes down to motivation.  I absolutely love researching and designing, the rest is just fluff.

I see the same trend in my vocal studies.  I love learning new techniques, researching individual pieces, studying theory.  But do I love the craft as much?  Performance is a lot of hard work.  It's something I can do, some people would even say I'm good, but is it a passion?  I've performed for the vast majority of my life, and thus a performance major out of habit.  I love researching opera's (even if most of the plots are ridiculous) and want to  figure out why the art seems to be stuck in the past, and can it be fixed?  And why this seems to be true of most performance music.  There are many other things I want to research, and then...

It comes down to choice, should I change majors?  Should I move to music history or music theory and composition?  Is a double major/minor in performance really what I want?

But life is good.

Sure, I'm jealous of all the facebook "friends" who are traveling overseas, going to the lake every weekend, buying new iPhones, and building decks.  Yes, I would love to go on a cruise, or even just a trip to the beach for a full week.  It would be great to eat out more than once every few months, and I'd love to have season tickets to the opera/symphony.

On the other hand, we do have enough money to buy some "wants" and not only "needs."

Dan wanted a new lawnmower.  Our 6 year-old mower still works, it's a simple machine.  However, given the U-shape of our yard, I can't blame him for wanting a self-propelled mower.  We found a nice reconditioned model.  

I wanted a new grill, to cook outdoors on something with less "character" than our 4-year-old grill.  Did we really need a stainless interior/exterior and a rotisserie? No, but they are nice and the model was marked down for clearance.

Could we have used this money to go on a vacation?  A small one.  Wouldn't it have been better spent paying off debts?  The total for both pieces is a little less than 1 months payment.  It might have been used for my foot surgery, but I can hobble along until next year.

As long as we can still pay bills and afford a few wants, then life is great.

1. Cats are not allowed on the table, and never allowed "people food."

2. He's shown an interest in what "mom and dad" eat, but never actually tried to eat the food, just sniffs it and walks away.

3. My back was turned. Stupid, I know.

Little stinker then proceeds to throw up, all over the house for the next half hour, down to dry heaves.  Guessing he's lactose intolerant, or feline equivalent.

I hope that enough punishment for him, 'cause it certainly was for me.

But there are so many more little everyday things that combine to be just as important.

Waking up in the morning and being excited about your work.  It's been a long time since going to work didn't make me feel physically ill.

Not being depressed.  I'm not off all the meds yet, but I'm doing much better.  The only fight now is displacement issues, large changes unsettle me.  But it's a much easier problem to fight.

Being able to put up with annoying people.  If you don't love what you do, any annoyance is a thousand times worse.  When you love what you do, nothing else seems to matter.

Expanding your world.  Finding out that the beaten path isn't what you think, that it may not be right for you.  Learning to see outside the box, and consider other options.  Re-evaluating priorities.  These will all change the way you see the world.

Well, if you provide your own income and can't/don't want to move back in with the parental units, choices are limited.  My best efforts could only yield a lateral move into something less annoying, but still "technical."  A drastic move from engineering to music requires extensive schooling.

College isn't free the second time around.  Everyone likes to help high school graduates make the biggest mistakes of their lives, no one likes to help correct those same mistakes.  The worst part, your 18 year old classmates will be able to get part-time jobs while in school.  Good luck, even if you leave off the college degree(s) and work experience.  And if you do find a job it will be very hard work, for very little pay.

Being a music major makes it difficult to work while in school.  Night classes don't exist, almost all courses have one section, offered once a year.  Sure I could take 1 or 2 classes a semester, and finish 10 years later.  No thanks, I've already wasted enough of my life.

So, we live on one income.  We don't budget my sporadic income.  I don't think we'll lose the house, we've cut all vacations, non-essential family visits, dinners out, home improvements, and extra retirement savings.  Why don't we move?  When you've built a home you never plan to leave, you will understand.

But that's just the financial cost.  Do you remember what it was like to be 18?

"What would you do if you could redo your life?"

Go back to that day, the one when you picked the major that put a degree on your wall, or the day you decided not to go to college, or the day you decided to do something "practical" just to pay bills (and then never got out of the rut).  If you could do something different on that day, what would it be?

The answer given at 18 will be much different than your answer at 25 and even more so at 30.  A friend put it: "Well, I would have skipped college and just toured with my band.  We might actually be something now if we had tried.  But then, I wouldn't be here, and I'm happy with my life." (working a steady job, married and about to own a home.)

No sense in fixing what isn't broken, if you're happy where you ended up, stay with it.  But what if you're not happy.  What if you've tried, for at least 5 years, to make something work and it just doesn't.  When you spend 40+ hours a week thinking that you're wasting time on something that isn't important no matter how big your salary.  

At 18 I would have said "I'm going to Oberlin and getting a piano performance degree."

At 25, "Can't do engineering full time, can't do piano full time.  I'm going into music engineering or music business."

At 30, "Going back to academia, and staying there.  Yes, I still want to be a rock star, but that's not going to happen.  Let's start with vocal performance.  Maybe I'll just teach theory or history or something..."

Next, how do you make it happen?

It's been difficult to write about this.  Until now I didn't really have a clear picture of where I am going.  I still really don't.

So, here we go again.  What is it like to completely change your life, from my perspective.  I think it's safe to say, you have no idea.